Day Goes By

Not a day goes by where he wish things worked out differently

Not a day goes by where he knows thats how things have to be

Not a day goes by where he believes he could has prevented events

Not a day goes by where he feels he could have made things better

Not a day goes by where he wishes he didn’t mess up and wish he could change the past

Not a day goes by knowing he is stronger now than he was before

Not a day goes by he feels scarred to tell how he feels again

Not a day goes by where he wants to go back in time and be someone else

Not a day goes by where he feels scarred and unsure

Not a day goes by where he wants her back

Not a day goes by where he is scarred of the future

Not a day goes by where he doesn’t want the future to arrive

Not a day goes by where he feels he is scarred to open up

Not a day goes by where he wants things to be different

Not a day goes by where he feels ready to face the world

Not a day goes by where he is frieghtened to open up again

Not a day goes by where he doesn’t question anything

Not a day goes by where he loves his life

Not a day goes by where he wants to be free

Not a day goes by where life goes on…people judge… he wants to change the past… but this is the way life is… and that’s how God wants it to be.

Not a day goes by where he doesn’t know that!

So much more than empty conversations

He sits with his head down

He’s scared to breath

He’s scared to talk

Everything inside is upside down

Everything is wrong nothing seems right

Yearning for answers

Struggling for advice

Wanting answers to the mystery

Where did he go wrong?

Standing on the edge of everything…

He’s scared to move

He’s scared of truth

Mystery’s are never solved

He’s sits with his head down

He wakes up…

All was a dream

But reality!

Fight for love, or back away…..

As of late I have been blogging about how I felt and the whole game of love. I just can’t seem to get it off my mind and wrap my head around it.

Whenever I have a feeling or something that is on my mind, I ride with that feeling or emotion. I just go with how I feel and I act upon it. In a way I don’t know how to controll the feeling( not in creepy sense). But when I feel I have that feeling towards someone, I really push for them. But in a way I feel like I become someone different other than myself. I feel like… well I’m just not me. I get so scarred of not making them like me and I just become someone who is totally making a fool of themselves.

But now I have like I like someone and I just don’t know what to do. I’m 18, and hell, in a few years I could be married( hypothetically speaking). But yeah, I feel like now I like someone and I want to pursue to try and be with them, but I’m scarred. I’m terrified that the same thing will happen as before where I won’t get my answer that I want. But thats how things are suppose to be.

What to do? Still fight for the feeling to love someone or do I step back and wait? I just don’t know what to do….

If only…

I haven’t blogged a lot lately, and I felt that it is time for me to step my blogging game up and tell you how I feel/ how I felt!

Ever fought for someone so much that you were beat mentally and physically? Ever fought for someone so much that it hurt to speak around them? Ever thought that maybe she would say yes? Well, I have and things didn’t work out.

While growing up I was pushed myself to fight for what I want and to never back down no matter what. Always fight for yes, and never stop until I feel that I can’t fight anymore. This all shattered in a matter of seconds in my book. I fought for someone with all my heart, all my mind, and all emotions and I wound up just hurting myself(mentally). I fought so hard that I fell into the “old me,” where girl pants, band shirts, and wondering about life.

I was in high school and I wanted to have that “special someone” in my life. I was trying to put on a face and have all the ladies look at me. What a joke I was then! Day in and day out, I talked to this girl, and I was me and I was never anyone else. Day in and day out I never would act like anyone but me. Day in and day out, I spent thinking if only things worked out!

We talked for days, and hours on end. We grew a friendship that is closer than anyone could imagine. We became the best of friends and we were loving life. I felt that I could see myself with her. I told her how I felt and no respond. I told her how I felt and things were going good for me in my life. Amen!

Days go by and I’m there for her to talk to, and give a shoulder for her to cry on. But the night I got the memo that I wasn’t for her….. killed me inside. It totally ripped my heart out it felt like. It felt like a girl broke up with me after 25 years of marriage. It just felt like, why fight when your told to fight until you get what you want?! Why fight if your just going to get hurt in the end?! Why?! WHY?!

At that time it felt like I shouldn’t fight for anything I want anymore. It felt that if I were to fight again, the same kind of answer would result in the end. At that moment in time I felt that it was wrong for me to fight for what I believed in. Everything that I went through was out the window. Everything I said, out the window. But in reality it was worth it.

It’s worth fighting for something that you want because if you don’t fight for it, then you’ll regret not doing the opportunity happens. Even though things didn’t work out, thats what God had in store for me. I felt betrayed at first by God I can’t lie. It felt I was who I was, I acted who I am, and I fought for what my heart felt was right and I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved. But thats all wrong. I was totally looking at it in the wrong point of view.

What I went through, was a great experience for me though. Even though I didn’t get what I thought I should have, I learned so much about myself and God. God presents the world with obstacles and different events to see how we will act. But in the end we have to realize that, thats not how things are suppose to be in life. God is amazing! Believing him and trusting him to help you through life is the best thing you can do. Rely on him for a shoulder to cry on and to hold your hand through life. And even when it seems like he isn’t, he is.

Things happen for a reason!

You’re not so great yourself

People seem to push me to the limit more and more while I’m in college. Now I’m not trying to complain and be a baby about it, I’m just stating an observation. I have gone to anger management for my anger issues on people trying to push me to the max and I know how to deal with it instead of fighting them. Once you leave home and realize that you are much more independent and all of your actions make you accountable for them, makes you realize to think twice before you act. For me that is the toughest part about being a little more on my own. Some kiss piss me off to the point where yes…. I would like to fight them and teach them a lesson regardless of what the result is. But why? Is there a reason? Is there a point to getting my face beatin in our their face getting pulverized?

Of course the obvious answer is NO! So instead I start to live by the 3 C’s. Calm, Cool, and Collective. Whenever someone makes me to almost my breaking point, first take a step back and be calm and say hey, that person isn’t worth it. Second try and stay cool and relax. Try to focus on something other than the problem at hand. And lastly, collective. This is where it seems to be toughest for me. I try to collect everything I want to do to that person and through it out of my mind. I try to think ok, relax, your fine and why bother!

Some people want to see my pissed off and see me act how I used to. Some people want to test my buttons and see me act outrageously. Yeah, thats the old me! Now it doesn’t matter what anyone says. I’m going to keep saying and doing what I do regardless of the outcome. If it is my mistake for something I say or do, then I’ll learn from what I did wrong and I’ll move on. But those who try and bring people down and ruin their spirits and change someone….. I got a couple words for you……….

YOU’RE NOT SO GREAT YOURSELF!

When, where, will it happen?

I have been thinking a lot lately on quite a bit of things. Such as college, running, music, friendships, faith, and many more things. But the idea of marriage and finding the right companion for me, has boggled my mind. Talking it over with one of my friends and finding out he has had the same thoughts has helped me cope and understand the whole idea/ question much better.

Yeah I’m only 17 years old, just about to turn 18 and I’m still real young in life, but the fact that in 5 years I could be married with a full time job…. well that doesn’t scare me….. but rather it motivates me! But the steps leading up to that point, scare me. Everyone has always heard the cliche answers and statements of, “there is somone out there for you, they’ll come to you, time will tell.” Yeah all those mean a lot, but when I ask others and I hear that answer, well I just get pissed off!

I didn’t understand how complicated love is until now I guess. Yes I’ve had girlfriends, yes I have been hurt, yes I have been through a lot dealing with girls and what not but I just don’t see how this question can flabbergast me so much. Why do people seem to think that love will come to you in an unexpected time? Why does it seem like that is only in fairy tales and in movies that this actually occurs?  This just gets me frustrated talking about it!

Well when this great phenomenom happens in my life, I will know almost all the answers. But right now, this feeling that has been bugging me just has been tearing me apart and kind of bringing me down. I have put my heart into many things, one of those once a girl, but especially music, and just being who I am! I don’t have a doubt in my mind that when I have an amazing girl that she will be treated and respected amazingly! She will be always number 1 in my book, always loved with all my heart and never mistreated!

Until that day comes, I’ll just stick with being myself, listening to music, and questioning life a little more each day!

Friends to the end…..

My friends know when I’m down. My friends know when to cheer me up. My friends know how to have a good time.

My best friends stops me before I’m down. My best friends live their life with no regrets. One of my best friend happens to be moving to California.

What do I do? How am I going to be ok? Will we still keep in contact? Will we truly ever see each other again? Will I be ok? Nervous, unsure, anxious, scarred, frightened are all things I feel as he moves away.

Life progesses and you meet amazing people that you will be friends with and care for, for the rest of your lives. I happen to have that happen to me a couple years ago. Meeting my new youth pastor and growing such a strong friendship has honestly been one of the best things of my life! Sharing a burden that was on my heart with him and scarred to tell him or even anyone, I still I trusted him. This happens to be his last day in Rochester, NY.

I’m not sure how to exactly explain how I feel, but to some it all up…… scarred. I know I’ll still be able to talk to him whenever I need it, but will I honestly ever see him again?! That scares me to think that we may never see each other again. But that won’t happen! I won’t make that happen!

This guy is one of the most down to earth, and great minded person I have ever met. He has such a strong head on his shoulders and is so stead fast in what he wants in life, and what God wants him to be. I trust him with anything I say, even if it’s wrong, or quite scarry to say!

I pray for him to be safe and never forget how much of an impact he has made on mine and so many more people while at RUMC. Never look back, never forget, never regret. Always love God, always be yourself, always remember who you truly are and who you want to be!

Will you be ok…. uh……. yep!

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

” Love is patient, love is kind: It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. I always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Love is such a complicated word. Love is such a deep, emotional, almost bone-chilling word. Love is something where when it happens, I don’t think you would be able to describe how you actually feel. In an early stage in a person’s life, say around young teenagers (12-13), thats when it could happen. Many say that it’s not true, you can’t be in love at that age, your too young! I say you can believe them, or you can live outside the box and believe in yourself!

Life presents us with many attractive people and many sincere, caring, devoted people. I truly believe the statement of when you found the right someone, you’ll know! To me thats way to nerve racking to think about. Loving someone with all your heart is something that is impossible it seems like. Knowing inside that you think you can, but physically you don’t show that, then thats when you know your truly testing the word, LOVE.

But when presented the word love, everyone thinks of your companion, or lover, or husband and wife. No one remembers the sincere and amazing love that God gives us. God seems to present us something so much bigger than all of that. God seems to always be there for us, even when you don’t think it. God nortures you when you need to be nortured. God listens to you when you have know where to go. God knows when were down, God feels when were sad or have a burden on our heart. God knows when we’re scarred and unsure. But he always seems to love us even more when this happens! All of that is because, God loves you with a pure heart, and may we glofiy his name!

Welcome to my life…… subject….. questioning.

Welcome to the life of Jason Comstock. Main task….. questioning.

As life seems to progress I am asked the frequent question, how mature are you? Well to tell you the truth, not very! Why you may ask? Well if I was mature, I would be isolated, confused, dazed and unsure of myself. Why do I act how I do? Well I reverse the question and ask, why can’t I act the way that I do?

I’ve gone through life asking whether or not if I belong on this earth, what is my main purpose for me being here, and all those cliche questions. But I never know the answer still as I progress through life. Life is said to get easier for a person of race. In some ways yes, and to me mostly NO! I have struggled with it through my life and I have struggled with it even without knowing it. Yes it is easier everyday…… because I have a psychopsychiatrist and damn good friends! But no because when I get thrown a racial slur, yes I can push it off, but no because inside I know that the single person that told me that remark still has those type’s of stereotypical ideas in his/hers mind. Does that piss me off? You bet your behind it does!

Why in the beginning did I present everyone including myself the question of maturity. Well I am mature enough I would say to know when I can relax and focus on not getting mad by someone talking smack about me. But that maturity is with me to a certain extent. I myself say remarks about my own self because…… well I have heard it my whole life and I can joke around once in a while and know that I am ok!

As Rob Bell says it best….. “Grace and Peace!”